My journey on how it lead to me being diagnosed with OCD
This post was written around August 2017 and although i wanted to post it back then, i just didn't feel comfortable to do so.
I couldn't even proof read it back because it made me feel so uneasy, it was still too fresh in my mind and i have mentioned a few times, if you've read my previous posts, that this was the post that made me feel so awful reading it back that i never felt strong enough to post it.
I really hope that as a result of opening up and sharing my situation, it may comfort you or someone else going through something similar.
So i have recently been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder as you may have known from reading my previous posts. This is the main reason why i started this blog, because id like to help anyone who is currently suffering with the same thing weather your unsure what is going on, or you've recently been diagnosed yourself or even if you've come through the other end of it and your managing it. I welcome any messages if anyone would like to ask me anything or even give me any other tips on managing the illness that maybe i haven't tried but others could.
As i explained in my previous posts 'whats wrong with me?' and 'what makes my OCD 'not so obvious'' it all started, for me, with anxiety and panic attacks, i had initially gone to my doctor about this and i was given Citalopram to help with my panic attacks however i didn't take the tablets at first because another anxiety of mine is taking medication.
I don't like to take any kind of medication and if i need to it makes me very anxious, so i thought maybe i could just try once more to manage this myself, maybe the panic attacks will go, but they didn't.
I then started to have intrusive thoughts about harming my children, my partner and myself.
These intrusive thoughts stuck in my head permanently for several weeks, the first week was the worst. I couldn't stop crying, every day i felt so guilty and scared, i couldn't eat and ended up dropping a dress size just within that first week. I wasn't interested in anything, phone, TV, conversations, nothing. These thoughts were constant and they were terrifying, i was so scared because i didn't understand why i was having them and further more why they wouldn't stop.
I had convinced myself that i was going crazy because surely only crazy people would have such vile, awful thoughts/images. I went to my doctor several times in that first week to tell them about the thoughts i was having and to ask if i needed to be taken away because of them.
This was the first step in helping myself although i didn't realize it at the time.
If i'm honest the real reason i went to the doctor was because not only was i convinced that i was going mad, i thought that i was actually capable of acting out these thoughts but that i wanted everyone to know what was going on so that i could ensure my family were safe, so that if i really have something wrong with me the doctors will take me away and everyone would be safe from me. This was such a difficult thing for me to do as i was asked to detail my thoughts to my doctor and so actually saying these intrusive thoughts out loud terrified me even more, at the same time i knew that being honest about it all would be the only way i could save myself or my family from any harm.
This was the hardest time of my life that i have ever had to go through, to have such awful thoughts about your children that you know are your entire world, but this illness makes you question yourself and all the time i spent being scared and panicked, i was only feeding the illness. I couldn't help it, i was horrified by these thoughts and it made me distance myself from my boys because i felt like i was such a danger to them. I started going to my mums house every day, that was my safe place, she works from home so i knew that she would be around me all day and that way i felt comfortable to have my boys because i thought if i was to suddenly act on those thoughts, she would be there to stop me or protect the children.
When the thoughts/images turned from being about my children to my OH it was no better, i'l be honest i thought in the beginning if these images/thoughts just stopped or were about myself instead or anyone else just not of my children then maybe i wouldn't feel so scared of them but they are so powerful that even when they stopped all together, it left me an anxious mess, i'd get so worried that they would return and how i would deal with them if they did.
So the thoughts turned to my partner and when it would come to the evening when he was due to pick me and the boys up from my mums house i would become extremely anxious, shaking, crying, panicking, pacing around, sweating, it was horrible, i was scared of these thoughts and scared of myself!
How i started to deal with these thoughts/images were to imagine them being about myself, that all the harm that was playing out in my head was instead happening to me, that, for a while, made me feel a little better. I coped better having those thoughts because what made them so terrifying was the thought that i could harm my children or OH and that absolutely crushes me because i know i would never ever do those things. Where as because i felt like such a bad person for even thinking of these things, i thought that harming myself in those ways wouldnt be such a bad thing.
This then triggered me to be too scared to be left alone, by myself, i began thinking of ways that i could end my life, not because i wanted to but i was desperate to cover them all in my mind so that i could make sure i avoided any scenario where it could happen, and my conclusion was that if i was always around someone just like when i have my children to take care of then that person can prevent any harm from coming to myself or anyone else.
TRIGGER WARNING. I cannot emphasis how much this illness pulls you in and makes you believe you are capable of such awful things. I haven't mentioned in detail the intrusive thoughts/images that i was having but what i will say that they involved kitchen knives. This meant that i needed to stay well away from any knives, forks, scissors, anything sharp because i was convinced that if i went near anything sharp i could potentially act out my intrusive thoughts, which as i keep saying is what i was terrified of happening! I then avoided the kitchen all together, so not only was i not eating but i wasn't cooking for my family because i couldn't face even being in the same room as the kitchen knives. This would also apply when i went to my safe place ( my mums house) and meant that I also couldn't watch anything like the news, horror films, cooking shows (because they use knives to cut up food of course) or anything with any kind of violence or harm coming to anyone.
The nights were what i found the hardest, the sun would be going down and i would feel even more anxious, i was convinced that i might start to sleep walk (which i have never done in my entire life), what if i went downstairs to the kitchen, take a kitchen knife and act on my intrusive thoughts. I have no idea what caused me to think i would sleep walk but i was terrified, what if i did, it just shows how powerful these thoughts are. I started wearing an eye mask to bed, my theory was that if i got up to sleep walk i wouldn't be able to see where i was going therefor i would have to remove the eye mask which would prompt me to wake up.. absolutely ludicrous theory, i know!
I would also place my sons toys around my side of the bed and leading up near the bedroom door so that again if i was to sleep walk i would step on the toys (and as any mums out there know, it hurts like hell!) and would subsequently wake up and realize what was happening so that i could stop myself.
I started seeing someone different almost every day of the week in search for any bit of help i could receive to stop what i was going through, i will go into more detail about the help i sought in my next post. After seeing my doctor a few times she had told me that i had acute anxiety, she also advised me to self refer myself to something called talking therapies, i filled in a form briefly about what i was going through and sent it off. I then received a call from them to do an initial assessment and then later another call to go over in detail what i was going through and to be advised on what help would best suit my situation. It was here that i was first told that what i was going through was OCD, she didn't explain in detail about what exactly OCD is but reassured me that i was not going crazy and certainly didn't need to be taken away and that people like me in fact made the best baby sitters because we go to great lengths to avoid certain situations/things to make sure that our intrusive thoughts would not happen.
I continued to see my doctor once a week and she also confirmed that i do in fact have OCD. I'm lucky enough to have a kind and supportive doctor and that the area i have moved to, i have found, to be extremely helpful in giving me the help that i have asked for.
I'm extremely pleased to say that several months on i do not need to see my doctor every week, along with other support i was receiving weekly, i now feel i do not need this support so much.
I'm not all the way there, I've been left quite anxious in general and there is still a battle with my thoughts, except its not the intrusive kind anymore and i don't feel so scared of them returning. I no longer go to my mums house every day and i do not feel as though i need to be in constant company when i have my children, nor am i scared to be alone by myself.
I can confidently say that i am getting better, i am so much better than i was and i feel a lot more like the old me.
I couldn't even proof read it back because it made me feel so uneasy, it was still too fresh in my mind and i have mentioned a few times, if you've read my previous posts, that this was the post that made me feel so awful reading it back that i never felt strong enough to post it.
I really hope that as a result of opening up and sharing my situation, it may comfort you or someone else going through something similar.
So i have recently been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder as you may have known from reading my previous posts. This is the main reason why i started this blog, because id like to help anyone who is currently suffering with the same thing weather your unsure what is going on, or you've recently been diagnosed yourself or even if you've come through the other end of it and your managing it. I welcome any messages if anyone would like to ask me anything or even give me any other tips on managing the illness that maybe i haven't tried but others could.
As i explained in my previous posts 'whats wrong with me?' and 'what makes my OCD 'not so obvious'' it all started, for me, with anxiety and panic attacks, i had initially gone to my doctor about this and i was given Citalopram to help with my panic attacks however i didn't take the tablets at first because another anxiety of mine is taking medication.
I don't like to take any kind of medication and if i need to it makes me very anxious, so i thought maybe i could just try once more to manage this myself, maybe the panic attacks will go, but they didn't.
I then started to have intrusive thoughts about harming my children, my partner and myself.
These intrusive thoughts stuck in my head permanently for several weeks, the first week was the worst. I couldn't stop crying, every day i felt so guilty and scared, i couldn't eat and ended up dropping a dress size just within that first week. I wasn't interested in anything, phone, TV, conversations, nothing. These thoughts were constant and they were terrifying, i was so scared because i didn't understand why i was having them and further more why they wouldn't stop.
I had convinced myself that i was going crazy because surely only crazy people would have such vile, awful thoughts/images. I went to my doctor several times in that first week to tell them about the thoughts i was having and to ask if i needed to be taken away because of them.
This was the first step in helping myself although i didn't realize it at the time.
If i'm honest the real reason i went to the doctor was because not only was i convinced that i was going mad, i thought that i was actually capable of acting out these thoughts but that i wanted everyone to know what was going on so that i could ensure my family were safe, so that if i really have something wrong with me the doctors will take me away and everyone would be safe from me. This was such a difficult thing for me to do as i was asked to detail my thoughts to my doctor and so actually saying these intrusive thoughts out loud terrified me even more, at the same time i knew that being honest about it all would be the only way i could save myself or my family from any harm.
This was the hardest time of my life that i have ever had to go through, to have such awful thoughts about your children that you know are your entire world, but this illness makes you question yourself and all the time i spent being scared and panicked, i was only feeding the illness. I couldn't help it, i was horrified by these thoughts and it made me distance myself from my boys because i felt like i was such a danger to them. I started going to my mums house every day, that was my safe place, she works from home so i knew that she would be around me all day and that way i felt comfortable to have my boys because i thought if i was to suddenly act on those thoughts, she would be there to stop me or protect the children.
When the thoughts/images turned from being about my children to my OH it was no better, i'l be honest i thought in the beginning if these images/thoughts just stopped or were about myself instead or anyone else just not of my children then maybe i wouldn't feel so scared of them but they are so powerful that even when they stopped all together, it left me an anxious mess, i'd get so worried that they would return and how i would deal with them if they did.
So the thoughts turned to my partner and when it would come to the evening when he was due to pick me and the boys up from my mums house i would become extremely anxious, shaking, crying, panicking, pacing around, sweating, it was horrible, i was scared of these thoughts and scared of myself!
How i started to deal with these thoughts/images were to imagine them being about myself, that all the harm that was playing out in my head was instead happening to me, that, for a while, made me feel a little better. I coped better having those thoughts because what made them so terrifying was the thought that i could harm my children or OH and that absolutely crushes me because i know i would never ever do those things. Where as because i felt like such a bad person for even thinking of these things, i thought that harming myself in those ways wouldnt be such a bad thing.
This then triggered me to be too scared to be left alone, by myself, i began thinking of ways that i could end my life, not because i wanted to but i was desperate to cover them all in my mind so that i could make sure i avoided any scenario where it could happen, and my conclusion was that if i was always around someone just like when i have my children to take care of then that person can prevent any harm from coming to myself or anyone else.
TRIGGER WARNING. I cannot emphasis how much this illness pulls you in and makes you believe you are capable of such awful things. I haven't mentioned in detail the intrusive thoughts/images that i was having but what i will say that they involved kitchen knives. This meant that i needed to stay well away from any knives, forks, scissors, anything sharp because i was convinced that if i went near anything sharp i could potentially act out my intrusive thoughts, which as i keep saying is what i was terrified of happening! I then avoided the kitchen all together, so not only was i not eating but i wasn't cooking for my family because i couldn't face even being in the same room as the kitchen knives. This would also apply when i went to my safe place ( my mums house) and meant that I also couldn't watch anything like the news, horror films, cooking shows (because they use knives to cut up food of course) or anything with any kind of violence or harm coming to anyone.
The nights were what i found the hardest, the sun would be going down and i would feel even more anxious, i was convinced that i might start to sleep walk (which i have never done in my entire life), what if i went downstairs to the kitchen, take a kitchen knife and act on my intrusive thoughts. I have no idea what caused me to think i would sleep walk but i was terrified, what if i did, it just shows how powerful these thoughts are. I started wearing an eye mask to bed, my theory was that if i got up to sleep walk i wouldn't be able to see where i was going therefor i would have to remove the eye mask which would prompt me to wake up.. absolutely ludicrous theory, i know!
I would also place my sons toys around my side of the bed and leading up near the bedroom door so that again if i was to sleep walk i would step on the toys (and as any mums out there know, it hurts like hell!) and would subsequently wake up and realize what was happening so that i could stop myself.
I started seeing someone different almost every day of the week in search for any bit of help i could receive to stop what i was going through, i will go into more detail about the help i sought in my next post. After seeing my doctor a few times she had told me that i had acute anxiety, she also advised me to self refer myself to something called talking therapies, i filled in a form briefly about what i was going through and sent it off. I then received a call from them to do an initial assessment and then later another call to go over in detail what i was going through and to be advised on what help would best suit my situation. It was here that i was first told that what i was going through was OCD, she didn't explain in detail about what exactly OCD is but reassured me that i was not going crazy and certainly didn't need to be taken away and that people like me in fact made the best baby sitters because we go to great lengths to avoid certain situations/things to make sure that our intrusive thoughts would not happen.
I continued to see my doctor once a week and she also confirmed that i do in fact have OCD. I'm lucky enough to have a kind and supportive doctor and that the area i have moved to, i have found, to be extremely helpful in giving me the help that i have asked for.
I'm extremely pleased to say that several months on i do not need to see my doctor every week, along with other support i was receiving weekly, i now feel i do not need this support so much.
I'm not all the way there, I've been left quite anxious in general and there is still a battle with my thoughts, except its not the intrusive kind anymore and i don't feel so scared of them returning. I no longer go to my mums house every day and i do not feel as though i need to be in constant company when i have my children, nor am i scared to be alone by myself.
I can confidently say that i am getting better, i am so much better than i was and i feel a lot more like the old me.
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