Lets talk strength

I wanted to do a post discussing in some round about kind of way on how i have realised that i had the strength to make it through my darkest time, just prior to being diagnosed with OCD. 

I found myself thinking today randomly back to one morning at the very beginning of this illness. I refer to it as an illness because of everything i suffered and am still slightly suffering with. It is an illness in that it consumes you, it can make you feel extremely unwell, you don't feel yourself, you may over eat or not eat at all, in my case i couldn't bare to eat and that made me unwell in myself. It can rob you of your happiness, your sleep, your confidence and the worst part is that it creeps up on you and steals a place in your mind.

Anyway, as i said, i found myself thinking back to one morning at the very beginning of this illness. I was at home this particular morning, At this point i didn't exactly understand what i was going through and i had decided to stay at home with my youngest son, alone, as i would usually do every single day. Except leading up to this morning was a week or so of panic attacks, complete irrational worrying and just pure anxiety. I had been given medication by my doctor that i had decided at the time to not take because i didn't think i really needed to.

My eldest was at nursery on this morning and i had just put my youngest down to sleep. Id had a shower and i felt happy enough to put some make up on which id not done in a little while. I was so proud of myself for just attempting to do my make up that i face-timed my mum to show her how "well" i was feeling. 

She said to me "are you just feeling OK because you know you have your friend popping over shortly to keep you company?" 

I'll be honest it hurt my feelings, i told her no not at all and that i was just having a great start to the day. 

When i look back though, it was because i knew i had company coming over that i felt OK. I was still feeling panicked inside and although i was attempting to put make up on i didn't do a great job of it (make up is something i absolutely love and i'm confident that i'm very good at it), i was trying so hard to fight off the feelings of anxiety and panic, i thought i was doing a great job of ignoring it. Except it was there the entire time and didn't go away at all but i was so desperate to be 'normal' again that i thought the more i say i'm fine, it will all just go away.

My friend came over and sat with me that whole day, in my dining room we didn't move from, i kept topping up our cups of tea and thought constantly about how i would feel if she said she had to leave. I didn't want her to leave me by myself, I feared falling ill while i had 1 or both of my children which is initially why i'd panic if i was left alone with them.

My OH spoke briefly to my mum about what was going on because i had decided that i  wanted to go to her house, so that i wasn't left alone with the boys. My mum didn't really understand and unbeknownst to her, my OH told me what she had said to him on the situation, which was that i needed to be alone with the boys or else im going to let it take over and it will become a serious issue for me. I need to build my confidence again and stick at it and it will pass.

I felt terrified at first because i thought oh my goodness i don't have anywhere to run from this i have to just carry on going regardless of my fears, i thought to myself fine, if she doesn't want me to go to her house then i wont, i will stay at home, i don't need her help.

A day or 2 went by and something triggered me one evening to begin to have intrusive thoughts of harming by youngest son. All i can describe is that this thought started off as "oh my goodness what if i hurt my son" and the mother inside me instantly was like how could you even think of that, what a terrible, terrible thing, you mustn't go near him now because what if you actually do hurt him. 

From then on i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat and all that kept going through my mind was this terrifying intrusive thought playing out like a short movie of me acting out this horrid, awful thought. I couldn't escape it. I would cry all day every day because i was so tired and scared, i didn't understand why these thoughts were even present and because they aren't me, why couldn't i just make them stop?

I started taking my medication, i talked honestly to my doctor about the intrusive thoughts and i really did feel like the worst mother in the world. 

I was convinced that i was going to be taken away and oh how surprised i was when the reactions i got from several doctors and a therapist were of no real concern for my children's well being. I was not a threat, i would not harm them and these people who didn't know me personally were confident of this, i couldn't believe it!
I must add that i knew i wouldn't ever harm my children, ever! However this illness pulls you in and makes you doubt and question yourself. How i was seeing the situation at the time was that my initial fear of falling 'ill' whilst taking care of my children had actually happened, i was now very unwell with whatever it was that was causing these intrusive thoughts and that was what made me so terrified and question myself "what if i'm so unwell that this illness is not only taking over my mind but also my body and so what if i acted out these thoughts"
I felt as though i had no control over stopping these intrusive thoughts in my mind no matter how desperate i was for them to stop or how distressed they made me feel, so what if my body lost control to this illness and just took over.

I remember first being told by the therapist that i have OCD and in all honestly i didn't believe her at all. She explained to me that i was having these intrusive thoughts of harm coming to my children and/or my OH, with me feeling instantly as though i was the danger because of simply having these thoughts, however they were causing me untold distress that i would do anything to prevent me acting on these intrusive thoughts. 

My 'compulsion' if you will, was that i would need to constantly be in the company of someone, anyone, this would ease my anxiety because i felt that if i was around someone an i was to act upon these intrusive thoughts, that i could be stopped and it would be prevented. 

I was irrationally thinking 'what if i acted upon these thoughts in my sleep, that would be out of my control because i would be asleep, what if i sleep walked' I then started wearing an eye mask to bed every night, my theory being that if i went to sleep walk i wouldn't be able to see where i was going and so i would need to remove the eye mask  which would hopefully prompt me to wake up. I also laid out my sons toys around my bed and walk way to the bedroom door, again, so that if i happened to start to sleep walk i would tread on the toys, hurt myself and wake up from sleep walking.

At one point i wouldn't hold or go near my youngest son because i thought that if i even went near him surely i would be a danger because i'm having such awful thoughts.

They were terrifying, out of the blue, irrational and caused me to endure several months of pure distress every single day. I didn't understand them, i didn't want to understand them, i just wanted them gone. I wanted to be 'normal' again, i wanted to cuddle my children without feeling like i didn't deserve to, without feeling like a danger to them. 

I knew that i love them, so why was i even having these awful thoughts, it made no sense.

My point in explaining all of this is that when i think back to the beginning, i cant quite tell you where my 'strength' came from to get through those dark days.
All i can say is that i tried everything and anything to get through each hour of every day, that's all i could do. Slowly i found the intrusive thoughts became less and less and that i had found a few ways to ease my anxiety without having to be in the company of someone and i eve managed to stop wearing an eye mask to bed.

I slowly started feeling a little like my old self and i started to feel stronger. I found that i could speak a little more about what id been going through, that i was actually coming out of the other end of all of this, that there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel. 

There was a time that i wondered if i could live with those intrusive thoughts, if they didn't ever stop, if i didn't ever stop feeling like a danger to my children then i would rather not be here anymore. I am supposed to protect them from harm and where this illness consumed me and pulled me in, making me question myself, like i would ever bring harm to my babies, it was just terrifying and I have never ever felt fear like it. 

I've learnt to appreciate every single day, I've found joy in simple things again, i'm grateful for the beautiful family i have and not to mention the life i am so grateful to still be here living.
I would consider myself a strong person because although i did not feel it, i had the strength somewhere inside me to get through every dark day. I have had the strength to get out there and find help and I've been honest about what I've been thinking/feeling which believe me took some courage.
I believe that we all have that strength somewhere inside of us, for me i never realized how strong i could be until this all happened to me but i'm still here and I'm happy again!