I'm finding it hard to talk about

As i've mentioned in another post that i recently wrote, i've not felt comfortable posting a piece i've written explaining in depth and detail what my intrusive thoughts were about and the lead up to my diagnosis. I've gone to write another post about getting the right help for what you may be going through weather its post natal depression, general depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety or any other similer illness you may struggle with. I went to read it back to myself to check its OK to put up but again i'm finding it uncomfortable to read, myself. 

I've written about how i felt when i first went to my doctor about the intrusive thoughts i was having, these thoughts involved my children and it makes me feel deeply sad and uncomfortable, almost scared, to think back to. 

I don't want to think about it or post about it right now but what i have said in that particular post, which i will tell you now, is that talking to someone was the best thing i done. 

I found the help myself, i knew i needed support, i was honest about everything no matter how scared it made me feel to admit what was going on or how hard it was to finally explain the intrusive thoughts and say them out loud.

I chose to contact my health visitor and i would see her once a week, i also saw my doctor once a week, both of which i have stopped now. I continue to have a counselling session once every other week and i attend a post natal depression group once a week. Finally, although she is not a therapist of any kind she was one of the best people i found to speak to, on a daily basis she would listen to everything i had to say (a lot that i repeated) and was one of my strongest supports, my mum.

I found that because the intrusive thoughts i was having were set in our home, that i started to associate our home with those horrible thoughts and i didn't want to be there at all. I found a 'safe place' at my mums house and so that was where i would go every single day with my 2 boys. I had company and i was in a place that i had not had intrusive thoughts about so it was my second home for a long time.
I've recently started to stay at home, alone with my boys and it feels amazing! To be able to let them play with their toys in their own home, not rush around getting out of the house every morning with them and 5 bags of things and just the fact that i am being so brave, i'm proud of myself. 
Anything you do that causes you anxiety of any kind, but you still do it, even just for a minute you should feel so proud of yourself! Praise yourself for it because its a positive step. 
When i first attended the weekly group i remember we all said that afterwards we were going to treat ourselves to whatever we fancied, as a kind of pat on the back and we deserved it because we done something out of our comfort zones and handled our anxiety.

I have over the last few days felt the anxiety creep back into my life more so than the amount of anxiety i usually deal with. I have had a random panic attack for, honestly, no real reason and i find that as the evening approaches i begin to feel quite anxious. I put it down to a huge change in routine. My eldest has started school, i have started college, my youngest has started nursery and i am not going to my 'safe place' really anymore. I've been trying to find some time to go to my 'safe place' to see if that helps my anxiety and for the time i am there, it does. However there's so much going on now that i don't really have time so instead when i start to feel anxious in the evening, i look forward to having an early night and reassure myself that tomorrow is a brand new day. I need a good nights sleep and when i wake up its a fresh day to try again, think positively and take each hour as it comes. 

I have learnt to take a step back, not rush, not stress and just enjoy life, my children and myself.