What makes my OCD 'not so obvious'
So as the name of my blog suggests, the type of obsessive compulsive disorder that i suffer with is not so obvious. I have spent an awful lot of time researching OCD in general so that i could fully understand exactly what it is that i have been going through, i found this not only interesting but an extremely important part in helping me manage my illness.
I have taken the following paragraphs from http://www.ocduk.org/ocd
'OCD presents itself in many guises, and certainly goes far beyond the common perception that OCD is merely hand washing or checking light switches. In general, OCD sufferers experience obsessions which take the form of persistent and uncontrollable thoughts, images, impulses, worries, fears or doubts. They are often intrusive, unwanted, disturbing, significantly interfere with the ability to function on a day-to-day basis as they are incredibly difficult to ignore. People with OCD often realise that their obsessional thoughts are irrational, but they believe the only way to relieve the anxiety caused by them is to perform compulsive behaviours, often to prevent perceived harm happening to themselves or, more often than not, to a loved one.'
' The key difference that segregates little quirks, often referred to by people as being ‘a bit OCD’, from the actual disorder is when the distressing and unwanted experience of obsessions and compulsions impacts to a significant level upon a person’s everyday functioning – this represents a principal component in the clinical diagnosis of Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder.'
The paragraph below was taken from https://www.ocduk.org/pure-o
'Commonly referred to as ‘Pure O’ by the OCD community, ‘Pure O’ is a form of OCD where people mistakenly believe that it differs from traditional OCD, in that it features no outward compulsive manifestations; instead, the anxiety-inducing obsessions take place only in the mind.
My intrusive thoughts began after watching a documentary on the TV about a woman who had murdered another woman, i had seen the documentary and was looking for something else to put on afterwards. As i was doing this i glanced over at the baby monitor and all of a sudden had this thought what if i harmed my son? and that was it, the thought would not leave my mind, i couldn't focus, i couldn't eat, sleep, watch TV, all i could think of was what if i harmed one of my boys, and different things that could potentially harm them.
The thoughts/ horrendous images that had appeared in my mind would not leave me and because i was so scared what if i act out these thoughts it meant that i couldn't spend any time with boys. I couldn't hold them, put them to bed, cuddle them, be near them, my youngest would need his nappy changed and i would be terrified of going near him to change it, i would do it as quickly and delicately as i could and then just get away from him. The thoughts and images went from fear of harming my children to my partner and then from him to being about myself, to the point where i was too afraid to be left alone as i was thinking what if i harmed myself, what if i suddenly become depressed and just end my life.
The thoughts consumed me, i would spend a lot of time thinking them through, panicking about them, imagining scenarios and weighing up if i was even capable of doing these awful things, trying to self reassure myself that of course i would never do those things, they aren't me at all, thinking of ways to prevent them from happening if i did become crazy and go to actually act any of those thoughts out (i will cover all of this a little more in depth in another post about a few things i thought of doing and did actually do that i thought would stop me in case of something happening) i would also seek reassurance from friends and family that i am a good person, that i would never act on any of these thoughts, that they are not me, it is just the illness putting these thoughts in my head and nothing the 'normal' me would ever even think of.
This constant battle with my mind was tiring to say the least, i would nap for several hours while my 8 month old (at the time) would nap. Don't get me wrong, i would get a long nights sleep every night, and that was because sleep was an escape for me, the naps and going to bed early were the only way i could get away from the intrusive thoughts and the constant overthinking.
From the outside to anyone who didn't know me i am absolutely sure that i looked as though nothing at all was wrong with me, while on the inside i was struggling to get through every hour of the day.
I have taken the following paragraphs from http://www.ocduk.org/ocd
'OCD presents itself in many guises, and certainly goes far beyond the common perception that OCD is merely hand washing or checking light switches. In general, OCD sufferers experience obsessions which take the form of persistent and uncontrollable thoughts, images, impulses, worries, fears or doubts. They are often intrusive, unwanted, disturbing, significantly interfere with the ability to function on a day-to-day basis as they are incredibly difficult to ignore. People with OCD often realise that their obsessional thoughts are irrational, but they believe the only way to relieve the anxiety caused by them is to perform compulsive behaviours, often to prevent perceived harm happening to themselves or, more often than not, to a loved one.'
' The key difference that segregates little quirks, often referred to by people as being ‘a bit OCD’, from the actual disorder is when the distressing and unwanted experience of obsessions and compulsions impacts to a significant level upon a person’s everyday functioning – this represents a principal component in the clinical diagnosis of Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder.'
The paragraph below was taken from https://www.ocduk.org/pure-o
'Commonly referred to as ‘Pure O’ by the OCD community, ‘Pure O’ is a form of OCD where people mistakenly believe that it differs from traditional OCD, in that it features no outward compulsive manifestations; instead, the anxiety-inducing obsessions take place only in the mind.
However, a person with ‘Pure O’ will still have compulsions which mainly manifest as unseen mental rituals, and they will usually also engage in compulsive behaviours like seeking reassurance from loved ones, and avoidance of particular objects, places or people. They are compulsions, nonetheless, which is why the term ‘Pure O’ is somewhat imprecise.'
I have recently been diagnosed with OCD and the form of OCD i suffer with is known as 'pure o' this type of OCD is, i say not so obvious because it is characterized primarily on obsessional irrational thinking. This does not mean that there are no compulsions, but those compulsions are more internal and hidden thus being not so obvious to the outside world.My intrusive thoughts began after watching a documentary on the TV about a woman who had murdered another woman, i had seen the documentary and was looking for something else to put on afterwards. As i was doing this i glanced over at the baby monitor and all of a sudden had this thought what if i harmed my son? and that was it, the thought would not leave my mind, i couldn't focus, i couldn't eat, sleep, watch TV, all i could think of was what if i harmed one of my boys, and different things that could potentially harm them.
The thoughts/ horrendous images that had appeared in my mind would not leave me and because i was so scared what if i act out these thoughts it meant that i couldn't spend any time with boys. I couldn't hold them, put them to bed, cuddle them, be near them, my youngest would need his nappy changed and i would be terrified of going near him to change it, i would do it as quickly and delicately as i could and then just get away from him. The thoughts and images went from fear of harming my children to my partner and then from him to being about myself, to the point where i was too afraid to be left alone as i was thinking what if i harmed myself, what if i suddenly become depressed and just end my life.
The thoughts consumed me, i would spend a lot of time thinking them through, panicking about them, imagining scenarios and weighing up if i was even capable of doing these awful things, trying to self reassure myself that of course i would never do those things, they aren't me at all, thinking of ways to prevent them from happening if i did become crazy and go to actually act any of those thoughts out (i will cover all of this a little more in depth in another post about a few things i thought of doing and did actually do that i thought would stop me in case of something happening) i would also seek reassurance from friends and family that i am a good person, that i would never act on any of these thoughts, that they are not me, it is just the illness putting these thoughts in my head and nothing the 'normal' me would ever even think of.
This constant battle with my mind was tiring to say the least, i would nap for several hours while my 8 month old (at the time) would nap. Don't get me wrong, i would get a long nights sleep every night, and that was because sleep was an escape for me, the naps and going to bed early were the only way i could get away from the intrusive thoughts and the constant overthinking.
From the outside to anyone who didn't know me i am absolutely sure that i looked as though nothing at all was wrong with me, while on the inside i was struggling to get through every hour of the day.
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