My future as a mum with OCD
This post is to, i guess, tell you how i see my future from now, since being diagnosed with OCD. I'll start with how i applied for a college course prior to all of this, I wanted to return to do hairdressing.
I done hairdressing years ago when i left school, i was at college for a short time and then decided to do an apprenticeship, i worked in several salons but was unfortunately made redundant half way through my course. I had completed various assessments which covered cutting mainly, so when i was made redundant i went on to build up a small clientele whose hair i would just cut, the odd perm, but slowly over time i stopped doing hair all together.
I went on to work full time in various jobs and i then spent the past 5 years working in insurance and making a beautiful little family along the way.
When we relocated down here to Somerset i was on maternity leave, i chose to obviously not return my old job and to become a stay at home parent. It was then that i thought now would be the perfect time to go back to college, as a mature student this time, and do something for me, follow my dream.
I haven't put up the in depth post about my OCD yet because i still don't feel comfortable sharing the deeper details of my intrusive thoughts and all of what i went through. What i will say is that my intrusive thoughts had a particular pattern which involved a sharp object. This has lead me to feel anxious around anything sharp for fear of triggering the intrusive thoughts, even though they weren't involved at all in my intrusive thoughts.
What i'm getting at is that hairdressing is a big deal for me to be doing, although i feel great and confident in the college salon, at the same time i feel out of my comfort zone slightly because of what I've been going through recently.
The OCD part of me is screaming to avoid the course all together, i could avoid my anxiety completely by simply not following my dream.
Its hard for me to ignore the compulsion to just quite but i am trying my absolute best to just focus on what i want to achieve and why i am doing this course. I want my boys to some day know that i went through a really difficult time but i was brave and i got through it!
I am at home more recently, with my boys, i'm doing the school run and taking care of both boys, at the same time, in our own home. It feels great to be able to, although i do feel anxious occasionally about it i try to not pay it any mind and just focus on tasks i need to do through out the day.
As the weeks have gone by i've been doing well and feeling great! However, saying this, i have found that when it comes to my ladies time of the month, where our hormones are all over the place anyway, i've noticed that this unfortunately heightens my anxiety.
It causes me to feel constantly anxious, have frequent fleeting intrusive thoughts which causes me untold distress, overthink everything and anything, have random panic attacks again, trouble sleeping where i cant stop thinking and analyzing everything and anything (this is the obsessive part of OCD) and having that fear of something bad happening.
I've spoken to my doctor about this because it made me so upset to feel that id gone 10 steps backwards however she reassured me that this is just down to my hormones with my ladies time. She's happy to keep my medication at the same dosage as long as when my ladies time has ended i don't continue to have the feelings/thoughts - which i'm pleased to say i don't!
This is something i have to live with and i believe that i am strong enough to manage it and not let it consume me as it did before. I will admit that i'm anxious for when my next ladies time comes around. I have the implant which means i can go months without one and so it will come on when i least expect it. So its kind of sprung on me and now i not only have to go through the usual emotions, chocolate cravings and stroppy mood but i have heightened OCD on top of it too.
If any of this sounds similar to what you are going through all i would say is you can manage it, you are strong enough and it does not have to consume you. The intrusive thoughts are terrifying, i completely agree however they are only thoughts and although you may not be able to stop them or get rid of them, you can ignore them.
Choose to pay them no mind once they've come and gone and reassure yourself that they are only thoughts, they are not you!
I can confidently say that my future is going to be amazing, i have a supportive fiance and two beautiful little boys who keep me strong at times when i do not feel so. I will continue to follow my dream career and although i know for sure i will have times of struggle along the way i will try my best to carry on and not let OCD spoil what could be.
I done hairdressing years ago when i left school, i was at college for a short time and then decided to do an apprenticeship, i worked in several salons but was unfortunately made redundant half way through my course. I had completed various assessments which covered cutting mainly, so when i was made redundant i went on to build up a small clientele whose hair i would just cut, the odd perm, but slowly over time i stopped doing hair all together.
I went on to work full time in various jobs and i then spent the past 5 years working in insurance and making a beautiful little family along the way.
When we relocated down here to Somerset i was on maternity leave, i chose to obviously not return my old job and to become a stay at home parent. It was then that i thought now would be the perfect time to go back to college, as a mature student this time, and do something for me, follow my dream.
I haven't put up the in depth post about my OCD yet because i still don't feel comfortable sharing the deeper details of my intrusive thoughts and all of what i went through. What i will say is that my intrusive thoughts had a particular pattern which involved a sharp object. This has lead me to feel anxious around anything sharp for fear of triggering the intrusive thoughts, even though they weren't involved at all in my intrusive thoughts.
What i'm getting at is that hairdressing is a big deal for me to be doing, although i feel great and confident in the college salon, at the same time i feel out of my comfort zone slightly because of what I've been going through recently.
The OCD part of me is screaming to avoid the course all together, i could avoid my anxiety completely by simply not following my dream.
Its hard for me to ignore the compulsion to just quite but i am trying my absolute best to just focus on what i want to achieve and why i am doing this course. I want my boys to some day know that i went through a really difficult time but i was brave and i got through it!
I am at home more recently, with my boys, i'm doing the school run and taking care of both boys, at the same time, in our own home. It feels great to be able to, although i do feel anxious occasionally about it i try to not pay it any mind and just focus on tasks i need to do through out the day.
As the weeks have gone by i've been doing well and feeling great! However, saying this, i have found that when it comes to my ladies time of the month, where our hormones are all over the place anyway, i've noticed that this unfortunately heightens my anxiety.
It causes me to feel constantly anxious, have frequent fleeting intrusive thoughts which causes me untold distress, overthink everything and anything, have random panic attacks again, trouble sleeping where i cant stop thinking and analyzing everything and anything (this is the obsessive part of OCD) and having that fear of something bad happening.
I've spoken to my doctor about this because it made me so upset to feel that id gone 10 steps backwards however she reassured me that this is just down to my hormones with my ladies time. She's happy to keep my medication at the same dosage as long as when my ladies time has ended i don't continue to have the feelings/thoughts - which i'm pleased to say i don't!
This is something i have to live with and i believe that i am strong enough to manage it and not let it consume me as it did before. I will admit that i'm anxious for when my next ladies time comes around. I have the implant which means i can go months without one and so it will come on when i least expect it. So its kind of sprung on me and now i not only have to go through the usual emotions, chocolate cravings and stroppy mood but i have heightened OCD on top of it too.
If any of this sounds similar to what you are going through all i would say is you can manage it, you are strong enough and it does not have to consume you. The intrusive thoughts are terrifying, i completely agree however they are only thoughts and although you may not be able to stop them or get rid of them, you can ignore them.
Choose to pay them no mind once they've come and gone and reassure yourself that they are only thoughts, they are not you!
I can confidently say that my future is going to be amazing, i have a supportive fiance and two beautiful little boys who keep me strong at times when i do not feel so. I will continue to follow my dream career and although i know for sure i will have times of struggle along the way i will try my best to carry on and not let OCD spoil what could be.
Comments
Post a Comment