I am starting CBT

So i am due to go to my very first CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) session on Tuesday 19th December and i am honestly feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiousness.

Excitement is probably a little over the top, i'm more just looking forward to it because I've heard such good things about this type of therapy and i'm so hopeful for it to help me.

I am feeling a little anxious because i haven't been to anything like this before so its a bit of fearing the unknown and what my therapist will want me to talk about.

I have seen a Councillor before, she was through a charity who were working with my doctors surgery and while i was on the waiting list for CBT i chose to see their Councillor. 

Unfortunately it didn't work out, i was let down after my very first session because the Councillor i was seeing would simply not turn up to my session or i wouldn't hear back regarding when my next session was or she would just cancel and try to rearrange on a date that i wasn't able to do, so it would just be left up in the air.

I was left feeling vulnerable and a little alone, i guess. I felt as though i had poured my heart out about everything that i was going through and all of the awful intrusive thoughts i was having that i felt so so guilty about, to just be left not knowing what they thought, what to do or how to get through what was happening to me.

Luckily for me i have an amazing doctor who wanted to see me once a week just to check on how i was doing. She helped me so much, just knowing i had her there for support if ever i needed really helped me get through the worst of my illness. 

More recently when i have had a 'bad' day i call the surgery and ask for a call back from her where i then go over whats happened or how i'm feeling and i just cant even explain how much of a support that was and still is for me!

So i have been on a waiting list for CBT for around 5 months now and i'm keen to have my first session. I'm open to discussing anything and everything however i honestly don't know how i'm going to be when i actually do discuss everything out loud. I've not really spoken about it for a while now i kind of just plod along with life taking a day at a time and if i'm really honest i try and forget about it all because i just find it such an unpleasant time to look back on, still so fearful of triggering the intrusive thoughts.

I'm still on Citalopram and i don't plan on coming off of it anytime soon because for me I've found it the most successful in slowing down and pretty much stopping the intrusive thoughts. My attitude is that i would rather be on this medication than terrified of waking up every morning not knowing what my mood will be like that day or having intrusive thoughts constantly back to back and that i just want to run away or lock myself in a room because i'm so scared of what if i was actually capable of acting on those thoughts.

I never ever ever want to feel the way i felt when i was at my worst through this illness.

I use the word 'terrifying' an awful lot through out my posts when describing the intrusive thoughts that i was experiencing but that word doesn't even come close to describing how they made me feel.

I'm so willing to make the effort to try CBT and see what it can do for me, if anything at all. As i mentioned i have only ever heard good things about it so i will give it 100 percent of my time and effort and do any tasks they ask me to do at home. 

I'm hopeful that this will help me and that maybe some day i'll feel that i'm strong enough to come off of the medication, facing my mental health single handed using the techniques i'll  be learning through therapy (although i am in no rush and will be taking it one step at a time).

Wish me luck and i'll do a post once I've had my first session to tell you, if your interested in reading, what i thought of it and how i felt it went.