My first CBT session

I wrote up an entire post on my first session and unfortunately lost the lot!

Gutted.

I'l first explain that i was on a waiting list for Cognitive behavioral therapy for around 6 months which flew by for me as i was doing other things in the mean time to try and help myself through this illness. 
If you'd like to have a read of what i done then this link here will take you to my post all about What i found help relieve the anxiety, if only slightly
Although i found other things that helped me i could have really done with CBT back when i was in my worst place with OCD, when i really didn't understand it all or what was happening to me. 
The only thing i would say on how waiting so long has worked in my favor is that it gave me time to research and i honestly think for me knowledge of OCD and all the research I've done on the illness has helped me understand how it works. I have bad days now and then but i'm not in the place i was which is a huge step in the right direction and i told myself at the beginning that trying anything would be better than just sitting and suffering like i was. That included choosing to be brave and take the medication given to me.

I also want to add that these sessions are through the NHS - hence the waiting time. I did look into seeing someone privately who specializes in OCD however as i said above, for me, the time flew by and before i knew it i was booked in to see the therapist i now see.

So i recently had my very first CBT session and i didn't leave feeling as i expected i would. I left wondering if this is really for me, am i doing the right thing in going back over the very worst time of my life and more. It has taken me several days to write this post because i've felt ever so anxious and had several panic attacks as a result of what we discussed.

My therapist was nice and made me feel as comfortable as i could feel considering the circumstances in which we are meeting under. I've met her once before as she stood in for the lady who ran a PND group i was attending.

She asked me many questions from a list she had and with every answer she would make notes - i found out that as this was my first session it is mainly used to assess me, get to know me and have the best understanding they can of my situation.

That first session definitely opened my eyes to how i am not quite as over it all as i thought i was and that i am still suffering with my OCD. 

I got very tearful when i was explaining my intrusive thoughts to the therapist and once i had finished and calmed right down she explained to me that i had kept repeatedly saying "i don't want to be a bad person, i don't want to do anything wrong, i'm not a bad person" and that this is classed as a compulsion.

We went through a chart together at the end where she explained to me how my thoughts affect my feelings which then result in my behavior ie. compulsions, in my case, rumination, seeking reassurance from others and repeated self reassurance. These temporarily make me feel OK until i then have another intrusive or anxious thought and it is then a cycle. 
The aim of CBT is to change the way i think/react when you have an intrusive or anxious thought and she let me know that until she's really helped me to achieve this i will continue seeing her - this was very comforting to know.

My second session is on January 2nd and i feel as though its coming round so quickly and i'm only just getting over the first session! 
I will continue and i will try my best to fight away the fears i've been struggling with in hope that these sessions will help me improve because i am so so hopeful for a positive start to the new year to set me up for a fabulous year ahead!